Nathan's Blessing Day (and another "we've all been there")

Nathan's baby blessing day came around this time of year way back in 2006. We were living in Seattle at the time, but getting ready to move soon. Seattle in general seemed to be one of those "Nathan was there" places that we probably wouldn't all get to anytime soon. Or so we thought. We ended up spending much of our summer vacation in Seattle this year, going to church in the exact same building in which this picture was taken: In the picture, it was just over 10 weeks after Nathan was born, but by then he was a hefty 16 lbs, and just about too big for the cute little "size 3-4 month" blessing outfit Grandmother & Grandfather had picked out for him. However, even though he had to endure life as a stuffed sausage for a short while, he at least got to have all his grandparents there for the occasion!

At the Cemetery

The other day as we were passing a cemetery, Amanda observed that we won't be making regular trips to visit Nathan's grave anymore in our new location. This post is a "virtual visit," as well as a record of the last visit Mom and the kids took there. We'd just gotten word that the headstone had been installed. Mom, having no desire to have a gloomy outing, picked up some dinner at Sonic on the way, and we had a quiet little picnic dinner there. Here's Amanda:

Here are the trees we use as landmarks to find the right area of the cemetery:

Here's Curtis, age 2, wearing an outfit that Nathan was big enough to stretch at age 15 months (Curtis enjoyed the Sonic hot dog, by the way).

Jared and Lydia. So nice to have so many living children!

The latest additions to the "places we've all been" collection

We've moved and are now living in a place where Nathan never resided. So much for the "places we've all been collection" . . . or not . . .

For starters, Nathan moved cross country from Washington to Ohio. Now his younger siblings have been on most of the same road, minus the west of Utah section. And then there's Utah itself. Grandfather planned a trip for Mom, Amanda, and Nathan to points west way back in 2007. While west, a side trip to Utah to see Dad's family was arranged, including a visit at Aunt Karen's house, where all the other kids have now been. They've all met Shivers, the dog, who was there when Nathan was, too.

Probably the oddest overlap, though, is where we live. When Mom and Dad lived in Utah before, they once lived in the apartment right under Mom's Uncle Jim. He later relocated . . . to the street one over from where we live now. And yes, Nathan went to visit Uncle Jim in Utah, too. Kind of funny (and kind of fun) how there's still common "we've all be here" ground to enjoy.

The Ice Cream Playground

I like to "collect" places all the kids have been. We never got a picture of Nathan at Graeter's that I know of, but here's our proof that his little sister made it there at the ripe old age of 1. The ice cream playground, as we call it, because of its location and its theme, was the first place we took Amanda and Nathan that they didn't scream to stay longer when they, even though they'd had a good time there. Now, survey: I think baby sister looks like Nathan (except more girly). What do you think?

The Headstone

Answers

With a little help from our local over-zealous detective person, Mom has spent the last while lost in negative emotion and self doubt. Every so often, someone asks about what happens to Nathan, and Mom struggles to find a way to explain, struggling all the more as she tries to tell it her way, what she actually saw, not Mr. Gloom (the detective's) way (who didn't see a darn thing until after some "helpers" had thoroughly altered everything). Today there came a news headline that drop-side cribs are banned. And now we have answers. When we found Nathan that dreadful day, this is what we found:



Now I know which group of grieving parents we belong to.

A Monumental Day (in the making)

Today we finally did it: we ordered a monument (aka headstone) for Nathan's grave. Only about five years after the fact, but what's five years to a rock? Since I was chosen to go order it, I chose what it will say. I will probably post a picture of it whenever it's done sometime eight or more weeks from now. I remember going to look at monuments way back when, and as I happened to have Lydia with me today, it reminded me that I probably had Amanda with me then. Only that time I didn't actually make up my mind about it. As checklist items go, this is definitely one of the odder ones I've had to do, but I will say it's nice to have it almost out of the way. I went to see the grave afterward since I was at the cemetery anyway. I've always found it before by the monument next to it. Today I realized I wasn't sure which side of that monument the grave I was looking for was on. So, I guess we really did need to get one after all. Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for financing it.

We ate cake

Four years ago today I, Mom, hastily prepared a cake for what turned out to be Nathan's only birthday party. Jared, age 3, has been itching to make cake over the past few days, and so I figured today would be a good day to do it. I somehow managed not to have eggs in the house, but the mix ended up turning out all right anyway; thank goodness for mixes! I baked it in my big glass bowl after Jared stirred it up in the same bowl. After it cooled a bit, I turned it upside down onto a baking sheet. I then frosted it with chocolate pudding. It actually looked pretty good, and the kids enjoyed eating it. Amanda wanted to know if we were having it for a birthday. I hedged around the question. I'm glad I made the cake, though. Happy Birthday, Nathan.

Earlier in the day, Lydia was fussing. When I came in the room to see what was wrong, I found the other three hovering around her attentively. They'd made her a little bed, tucked her in with Nathan's blanket, and Amanda was singing lullabies to her. I was glad they used Nathan's blanket, since it seemed like he got to be in on helping baby sister, too. Note Curtis's baseball outfit: it's one that Nathan wore. Another stand-in. :)

Thanksgiving and November with Nathan 2006

As I hunt through our digital archives, it seems that November 2006 was virtually nonexistent. Fortunately, Grandma and Grandpa came to visit that month and took this picture of Nathan:

The caption they put on the picture when they sent it via email said that he was wearing his new jammies. As I type, that same set of jammies is on a 19 month old little boy. Nathan was getting close to 6 months old in this picture. Yeah. Nathan was big . . . and Curtis is small. I consider Nathan's bigness a blessing in that I got to see him "older" than I otherwise would have during his short time with us. I consider Curtis's smallness a blessing, since I get to savor it longer. Lots to be thankful for. Speaking of gratitude, back to the Thanksgiving story.

This year (2010), we have four children, and I am VERY grateful to be going to have our dinner with friends who live just a mile away; I've even walked there with the aforementioned children. Back in 2006, though, it was our first real Thanksgiving as a family with just us, no one visiting from out of town, and us staying put. I very much wanted to make it a good Thanksgiving, and so I went to Aldi to find supplies that fit our student budget. We decided to get a chicken instead of a turkey, since we just had two grownups and two very small children. That chicken was the first whole bird I ever cooked, and I'm pleased to say that with the help of the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook that Dad (i.e. Nathan's dad) got me for our first Valentine's Day, the chicken turned out remarkably well, and the side dishes turned out well, too. A very pleasant feast indeed. We waited until Amanda was exactly six months old to give her solid food, but Thanksgiving 2006 was just a couple of days before Nathan's half birthday, so I'm pretty sure we let him try some food. He may have had other solid food before then, for all I know, but it makes a better story to say he had his first solid food at Thanksgiving. ;)

A hug from big brother

This is Nathan's newest sibling, a little sister. Because Nathan was once covered in the blanket she is wrapped in, I like to think of it as Nathan giving her a hug. (Don't worry, though, she gets plenty of hugs and kisses from the big brothers she can see, too.)

Getting some patches in place

Our family has been growing rather rapidly, with babies born in 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, and 2010. (Kind of makes one wonder what happened to 2008, eh? :) Blessings all of them, but the three close together children at the end do tend to make the normal-but-weird-for-us gap where Nathan would be more noticeable, at least to a self-conscious grieving parent. But, things are feeling a little less empty now, at least to Mom. We've just added a baby sister to the family. The 2009 model is getting bigger and even a tad chubbier, despite his constant activity, which heightens his resemblance to Nathan. All of this is giving me the illusion that I'm getting to see how things would have been had Nathan lived to be a big brother. Illusion or not, though, for whatever reason our 2010 model really makes things seem less empty all of the sudden.

The Return of the Card

We have here an interesting coincidence; above is Nathan, with his beloved card on his birthday. Curtis, the second baby born after Nathan, just had his first birthday. Anybody notice anything the same between these two pictures?

My three sons

I do have three. I hereby shout it to the world in the one place I can do so without answering a lot of questions. I lined up pictures of the three of them on my computer desktop and looked at how alike and different they are. Similarities, definitely, but no clones among them, although Nathan and baby 4 do resemble each other more than baby 3 resembles either of the other two. Anyway, just reaffirming an invisible bit of reality.

Blankets

When Nathan was born, my sister-in-law gave us a blue blanket that was satiny on one side and silky-fuzzy on the other. I used that with him when he was in the baby swing, and it seemed to help him calm down better than anything I'd tried using to calm his big sister when she was that age. As he grew bigger and more mobile, the blanket became a little like Linus's blanket. It was in the crib with him at the time of the accident and was confiscated for over a year as evidence. Now it is tucked away in a box with a few of my other tangible Nathan mementos, including a red and white checked shirt that he looked cute in, a pair of green pajama pants that have the elastic all worn out from how chubby he was, and the hand print of his that they made at the hospital the day he died. It's a blanket that I love and that brings warm memories for me, but our family's current state of healing makes it best that it be put away.

However, there is another special blanket also connected to Nathan which I get to see in active use. The year Nathan died, our Relief Society was involved in Project Linus, making blankets to give to kids in hospitals. No one realized at the beginning of the year that one of those blankets would go to us. It's a crocheted blanket in variegated blue that's just the perfect combination of warm and airy. I don't know who made it, but if that person ever reads this, I want them to know that it not only comforted us as we laid it across Nathan that last day in the hospital, but that it also brought comfort to me in the days following Nathan's death, and that it has now warmed two of Nathan's little brothers, the second of which is snuggled up with it for a nap as I type. It's nice having something like that that I know all three boys got to use. I've been very blessed to have two more boys after Nathan so that I can see many things reused.

Moving on, one step at a time

This past week marked the second anniversary of Nathan's death. I know logically that anniversary is the correct term, but I do not like using it in this context, because I prefer thinking of happy anniversaries. It has been a harder anniversary than I expected, and the biggest thing that has come from it all is a conviction that more closure is needed in order to help us (as opposed to just me) move on.

The picture up in the upper left corner is one that also until today hung on our bathroom wall. It has been a comfort to me since the accident; some friends got the enlargement and framing done, and it seemed utterly appropriate for the bathroom given the bath element and all. It made me smile when I saw it, and when I felt lonely for Nathan I felt better after going up to see him for a few minutes. For me, it helped a lot with the healing process. But that's just me.

For awhile, I think it may have helped my family, too. But now things are different. I think much of it has to do with our new baby (and note that I do not mean this in a negative sense at all). Our new baby other than hair & eye color and being a little less chunky than Nathan is in many other aspects just like Nathan. A month or two ago baby 3, now going on two, saw the bathroom picture and said our new baby's name. Part of me thought it could be because of the actual physical resemblance, but most of me dismissed it because at that time he was using baby 4's name to refer to any baby he saw of either gender. Then, very recently, baby 1, now 4, the only one of the kids to have actually known Nathan, baby 1 began crying one night and saying she missed Nathan, apparently out of the blue. Then we put together that she was in the bathroom, and asked if she was sad because of the picture. She did not contest that conjecture. At that time, I knew for certain that my husband was also feeling less-expressed sorrow for Nathan. Since then the sorrow has become more pronounced. Some family staying with us also found the picture troubling. And so, it is time to bottle that bit of bottled sunshine. And I am sad about it and a little angry that other people's feelings are what is making this necessary.

However, these other people whose feelings are annoying me are people Nathan loves. Right after Nathan died, what I really wanted to do was hold something that he loved. Then I realized that my family members fit that criteria perfectly. So, I tried holding on to them. And I still do so, and now part of that means letting go of my picture. Makes me even more glad for this blog.

Anyone wondering about what will replace the picture? Around three years ago, I felt crafty and ordered a cross stitch kit, which the stalwart US mail brought to me much sooner than I expected it on an extra snowy day when I was very glad to have it. I seem to have problems completing things; the cross stitch is a big case in point, since although the actual cross stitching is done, the back stitching has remained undone for nearly two years. It's a seashell picture in which the main shell matches the tile in our shower; I bought it intending to put it in the bathroom. I guess it's time to finish that now.

Miss J's Birthday

Ah yes, there he is at the ripe old age of 1 swinging at a piñata for the first time (with a little help from Mom). We recently attended the birthday party of our friend little miss J, which I realized this year is something we've attended every year that she's had one. And, Nathan was with us for her first birthday. Below, despite the grumpy expression, I promise he's really having a good time at the party. Meanwhile, note the view of baby 3 in progress with Mom.


See, I told you he had some fun . . .

Thanks to Miss J's mom for forwarding these pictures to us. And thanks to Miss J herself. She is just a couple months younger than Nathan, and she was such a comfort after Nathan left us. On the day of his funeral, she was especially snuggly, and I felt as if Nathan was sending her a message from the other side saying that his mommy really needed a hug and would she please help her get one.

Thoughts on Compensation

A recurring theme lately seems to be the principal of compensation, as in like Maria in Sound of Music saying, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Today one of my friends posted about an experience she had some years before her son was born with a boy that her son reminds her of, a boy in daycare who was drawn to her in a public place. One of the comments on the post was from someone who'd been in daycare herself & remembered looking longingly at families all together (sorry if I'm totally misquoting). It made me think to post something I've been thinking about for awhile on a somewhat related note . . .

About a month after Nathan left us, our sweet little blond boy with big brown eyes, another baby was born to a family we didn't know existed, a little blond boy with sparkling blue eyes. When he was about ten months old, we were introduced to his family through rather convoluted connections and have been sitting for him during business hours since then. He's just a month or so older than our 3rd child, so it's a little like having twins. And, during weekdays, it means that even though I have just three children, I nevertheless have four. I sometimes wonder if there's any sort of greater design to the whole thing, like whether we can somehow help Mr. B (my blog name for our charge) in some way, and if Nathan is saved for later in part so that we can do something for Mr. B now. I don't know, and honestly I feel uncomfortably self-righteous thinking about things like "I'm so crucial to so and so . . ." when I know full well that the Lord can do very well what needs doing regardless of any so-called importance on my part. What I do find interesting, though, is that He saw fit to, at least part time, send us another little blond boy to fill in for awhile for the one He took back home.

Nathan's First Trip to Nauvoo, 2006

Nathan was just barely two months old when Dad's family had a reunion in Nauvoo. We decided to make the trip nevertheless, and lets just say flying with such a small baby is a mixed bag: works great when they sleep, watch out when the don't. Since Nathan was, well, a fairly helpless infant, we didn't get many action shots of him (also had something to do with the fact that our digital camera at that time only had about 20 pics worth of memory, since we didn't have a memory card for it). However, we did get a picture of him with one of his cousins. Nathan is in white, and as you can see he looks pretty much the same size as his cousin. The interesting part, though, is that the cousin is about three months older than Nathan, and a couple of ounces lighter. So, even though Nathan was the youngest family member at the reunion, he was not the smallest. :) We also got a picture of Nathan with Dad and Amanda at the airport in Chicago. If anyone looks hot, it's because they were; the A/C was having trouble keeping up with the heat wave that day, especially in the outer, windowed areas of the airport.

A memory relative to Mom's Mac

The latest keyboard for Mom's Mac arrived today (we've been through at least four or five now over the nearly five year's we've had the computer), and so to celebrate, I decided to post this picture of Nathan before one of this keyboard's predecessors. (However, you'll note that the USB cable for the keyboard is not actually connected to the computer; I did want the computer to still function after the picture, you know.) This is one of the last pictures we took of Nathan. Among other things, it shows his perpetual head bump. His lack of depth perception combined with his determination to climb chairs made for a continual sore spot (literally). Interestingly enough, though, he didn't have a bruise at the time he left us; a bit of a miracle, really.

A glimpse of days gone by

While looking through the photo collection today, I found this fun shot from late summer/early fall 2006. Those of you who know big sister will agree that she looks quite a bit different now. Curtis, our current baby Muffin, looks quite a bit like Nathan did at equivalent ages. The nice thing is, I still have two little people about these sizes to snuggle, although both of them are boys this time around. And, big sister is here to help!