When Nathan was born, my sister-in-law gave us a blue blanket that was satiny on one side and silky-fuzzy on the other. I used that with him when he was in the baby swing, and it seemed to help him calm down better than anything I'd tried using to calm his big sister when she was that age. As he grew bigger and more mobile, the blanket became a little like Linus's blanket. It was in the crib with him at the time of the accident and was confiscated for over a year as evidence. Now it is tucked away in a box with a few of my other tangible Nathan mementos, including a red and white checked shirt that he looked cute in, a pair of green pajama pants that have the elastic all worn out from how chubby he was, and the hand print of his that they made at the hospital the day he died. It's a blanket that I love and that brings warm memories for me, but our family's current state of healing makes it best that it be put away.
However, there is another special blanket also connected to Nathan which I get to see in active use. The year Nathan died, our Relief Society was involved in Project Linus, making blankets to give to kids in hospitals. No one realized at the beginning of the year that one of those blankets would go to us. It's a crocheted blanket in variegated blue that's just the perfect combination of warm and airy. I don't know who made it, but if that person ever reads this, I want them to know that it not only comforted us as we laid it across Nathan that last day in the hospital, but that it also brought comfort to me in the days following Nathan's death, and that it has now warmed two of Nathan's little brothers, the second of which is snuggled up with it for a nap as I type. It's nice having something like that that I know all three boys got to use. I've been very blessed to have two more boys after Nathan so that I can see many things reused.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Moving on, one step at a time
This past week marked the second anniversary of Nathan's death. I know logically that anniversary is the correct term, but I do not like using it in this context, because I prefer thinking of happy anniversaries. It has been a harder anniversary than I expected, and the biggest thing that has come from it all is a conviction that more closure is needed in order to help us (as opposed to just me) move on.
The picture up in the upper left corner is one that also until today hung on our bathroom wall. It has been a comfort to me since the accident; some friends got the enlargement and framing done, and it seemed utterly appropriate for the bathroom given the bath element and all. It made me smile when I saw it, and when I felt lonely for Nathan I felt better after going up to see him for a few minutes. For me, it helped a lot with the healing process. But that's just me.
For awhile, I think it may have helped my family, too. But now things are different. I think much of it has to do with our new baby (and note that I do not mean this in a negative sense at all). Our new baby other than hair & eye color and being a little less chunky than Nathan is in many other aspects just like Nathan. A month or two ago baby 3, now going on two, saw the bathroom picture and said our new baby's name. Part of me thought it could be because of the actual physical resemblance, but most of me dismissed it because at that time he was using baby 4's name to refer to any baby he saw of either gender. Then, very recently, baby 1, now 4, the only one of the kids to have actually known Nathan, baby 1 began crying one night and saying she missed Nathan, apparently out of the blue. Then we put together that she was in the bathroom, and asked if she was sad because of the picture. She did not contest that conjecture. At that time, I knew for certain that my husband was also feeling less-expressed sorrow for Nathan. Since then the sorrow has become more pronounced. Some family staying with us also found the picture troubling. And so, it is time to bottle that bit of bottled sunshine. And I am sad about it and a little angry that other people's feelings are what is making this necessary.
However, these other people whose feelings are annoying me are people Nathan loves. Right after Nathan died, what I really wanted to do was hold something that he loved. Then I realized that my family members fit that criteria perfectly. So, I tried holding on to them. And I still do so, and now part of that means letting go of my picture. Makes me even more glad for this blog.
Anyone wondering about what will replace the picture? Around three years ago, I felt crafty and ordered a cross stitch kit, which the stalwart US mail brought to me much sooner than I expected it on an extra snowy day when I was very glad to have it. I seem to have problems completing things; the cross stitch is a big case in point, since although the actual cross stitching is done, the back stitching has remained undone for nearly two years. It's a seashell picture in which the main shell matches the tile in our shower; I bought it intending to put it in the bathroom. I guess it's time to finish that now.
The picture up in the upper left corner is one that also until today hung on our bathroom wall. It has been a comfort to me since the accident; some friends got the enlargement and framing done, and it seemed utterly appropriate for the bathroom given the bath element and all. It made me smile when I saw it, and when I felt lonely for Nathan I felt better after going up to see him for a few minutes. For me, it helped a lot with the healing process. But that's just me.
For awhile, I think it may have helped my family, too. But now things are different. I think much of it has to do with our new baby (and note that I do not mean this in a negative sense at all). Our new baby other than hair & eye color and being a little less chunky than Nathan is in many other aspects just like Nathan. A month or two ago baby 3, now going on two, saw the bathroom picture and said our new baby's name. Part of me thought it could be because of the actual physical resemblance, but most of me dismissed it because at that time he was using baby 4's name to refer to any baby he saw of either gender. Then, very recently, baby 1, now 4, the only one of the kids to have actually known Nathan, baby 1 began crying one night and saying she missed Nathan, apparently out of the blue. Then we put together that she was in the bathroom, and asked if she was sad because of the picture. She did not contest that conjecture. At that time, I knew for certain that my husband was also feeling less-expressed sorrow for Nathan. Since then the sorrow has become more pronounced. Some family staying with us also found the picture troubling. And so, it is time to bottle that bit of bottled sunshine. And I am sad about it and a little angry that other people's feelings are what is making this necessary.
However, these other people whose feelings are annoying me are people Nathan loves. Right after Nathan died, what I really wanted to do was hold something that he loved. Then I realized that my family members fit that criteria perfectly. So, I tried holding on to them. And I still do so, and now part of that means letting go of my picture. Makes me even more glad for this blog.
Anyone wondering about what will replace the picture? Around three years ago, I felt crafty and ordered a cross stitch kit, which the stalwart US mail brought to me much sooner than I expected it on an extra snowy day when I was very glad to have it. I seem to have problems completing things; the cross stitch is a big case in point, since although the actual cross stitching is done, the back stitching has remained undone for nearly two years. It's a seashell picture in which the main shell matches the tile in our shower; I bought it intending to put it in the bathroom. I guess it's time to finish that now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)