Blankets

When Nathan was born, my sister-in-law gave us a blue blanket that was satiny on one side and silky-fuzzy on the other. I used that with him when he was in the baby swing, and it seemed to help him calm down better than anything I'd tried using to calm his big sister when she was that age. As he grew bigger and more mobile, the blanket became a little like Linus's blanket. It was in the crib with him at the time of the accident and was confiscated for over a year as evidence. Now it is tucked away in a box with a few of my other tangible Nathan mementos, including a red and white checked shirt that he looked cute in, a pair of green pajama pants that have the elastic all worn out from how chubby he was, and the hand print of his that they made at the hospital the day he died. It's a blanket that I love and that brings warm memories for me, but our family's current state of healing makes it best that it be put away.

However, there is another special blanket also connected to Nathan which I get to see in active use. The year Nathan died, our Relief Society was involved in Project Linus, making blankets to give to kids in hospitals. No one realized at the beginning of the year that one of those blankets would go to us. It's a crocheted blanket in variegated blue that's just the perfect combination of warm and airy. I don't know who made it, but if that person ever reads this, I want them to know that it not only comforted us as we laid it across Nathan that last day in the hospital, but that it also brought comfort to me in the days following Nathan's death, and that it has now warmed two of Nathan's little brothers, the second of which is snuggled up with it for a nap as I type. It's nice having something like that that I know all three boys got to use. I've been very blessed to have two more boys after Nathan so that I can see many things reused.

Moving on, one step at a time

This past week marked the second anniversary of Nathan's death. I know logically that anniversary is the correct term, but I do not like using it in this context, because I prefer thinking of happy anniversaries. It has been a harder anniversary than I expected, and the biggest thing that has come from it all is a conviction that more closure is needed in order to help us (as opposed to just me) move on.

The picture up in the upper left corner is one that also until today hung on our bathroom wall. It has been a comfort to me since the accident; some friends got the enlargement and framing done, and it seemed utterly appropriate for the bathroom given the bath element and all. It made me smile when I saw it, and when I felt lonely for Nathan I felt better after going up to see him for a few minutes. For me, it helped a lot with the healing process. But that's just me.

For awhile, I think it may have helped my family, too. But now things are different. I think much of it has to do with our new baby (and note that I do not mean this in a negative sense at all). Our new baby other than hair & eye color and being a little less chunky than Nathan is in many other aspects just like Nathan. A month or two ago baby 3, now going on two, saw the bathroom picture and said our new baby's name. Part of me thought it could be because of the actual physical resemblance, but most of me dismissed it because at that time he was using baby 4's name to refer to any baby he saw of either gender. Then, very recently, baby 1, now 4, the only one of the kids to have actually known Nathan, baby 1 began crying one night and saying she missed Nathan, apparently out of the blue. Then we put together that she was in the bathroom, and asked if she was sad because of the picture. She did not contest that conjecture. At that time, I knew for certain that my husband was also feeling less-expressed sorrow for Nathan. Since then the sorrow has become more pronounced. Some family staying with us also found the picture troubling. And so, it is time to bottle that bit of bottled sunshine. And I am sad about it and a little angry that other people's feelings are what is making this necessary.

However, these other people whose feelings are annoying me are people Nathan loves. Right after Nathan died, what I really wanted to do was hold something that he loved. Then I realized that my family members fit that criteria perfectly. So, I tried holding on to them. And I still do so, and now part of that means letting go of my picture. Makes me even more glad for this blog.

Anyone wondering about what will replace the picture? Around three years ago, I felt crafty and ordered a cross stitch kit, which the stalwart US mail brought to me much sooner than I expected it on an extra snowy day when I was very glad to have it. I seem to have problems completing things; the cross stitch is a big case in point, since although the actual cross stitching is done, the back stitching has remained undone for nearly two years. It's a seashell picture in which the main shell matches the tile in our shower; I bought it intending to put it in the bathroom. I guess it's time to finish that now.

Miss J's Birthday

Ah yes, there he is at the ripe old age of 1 swinging at a piñata for the first time (with a little help from Mom). We recently attended the birthday party of our friend little miss J, which I realized this year is something we've attended every year that she's had one. And, Nathan was with us for her first birthday. Below, despite the grumpy expression, I promise he's really having a good time at the party. Meanwhile, note the view of baby 3 in progress with Mom.


See, I told you he had some fun . . .

Thanks to Miss J's mom for forwarding these pictures to us. And thanks to Miss J herself. She is just a couple months younger than Nathan, and she was such a comfort after Nathan left us. On the day of his funeral, she was especially snuggly, and I felt as if Nathan was sending her a message from the other side saying that his mommy really needed a hug and would she please help her get one.

Thoughts on Compensation

A recurring theme lately seems to be the principal of compensation, as in like Maria in Sound of Music saying, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Today one of my friends posted about an experience she had some years before her son was born with a boy that her son reminds her of, a boy in daycare who was drawn to her in a public place. One of the comments on the post was from someone who'd been in daycare herself & remembered looking longingly at families all together (sorry if I'm totally misquoting). It made me think to post something I've been thinking about for awhile on a somewhat related note . . .

About a month after Nathan left us, our sweet little blond boy with big brown eyes, another baby was born to a family we didn't know existed, a little blond boy with sparkling blue eyes. When he was about ten months old, we were introduced to his family through rather convoluted connections and have been sitting for him during business hours since then. He's just a month or so older than our 3rd child, so it's a little like having twins. And, during weekdays, it means that even though I have just three children, I nevertheless have four. I sometimes wonder if there's any sort of greater design to the whole thing, like whether we can somehow help Mr. B (my blog name for our charge) in some way, and if Nathan is saved for later in part so that we can do something for Mr. B now. I don't know, and honestly I feel uncomfortably self-righteous thinking about things like "I'm so crucial to so and so . . ." when I know full well that the Lord can do very well what needs doing regardless of any so-called importance on my part. What I do find interesting, though, is that He saw fit to, at least part time, send us another little blond boy to fill in for awhile for the one He took back home.

Nathan's First Trip to Nauvoo, 2006

Nathan was just barely two months old when Dad's family had a reunion in Nauvoo. We decided to make the trip nevertheless, and lets just say flying with such a small baby is a mixed bag: works great when they sleep, watch out when the don't. Since Nathan was, well, a fairly helpless infant, we didn't get many action shots of him (also had something to do with the fact that our digital camera at that time only had about 20 pics worth of memory, since we didn't have a memory card for it). However, we did get a picture of him with one of his cousins. Nathan is in white, and as you can see he looks pretty much the same size as his cousin. The interesting part, though, is that the cousin is about three months older than Nathan, and a couple of ounces lighter. So, even though Nathan was the youngest family member at the reunion, he was not the smallest. :) We also got a picture of Nathan with Dad and Amanda at the airport in Chicago. If anyone looks hot, it's because they were; the A/C was having trouble keeping up with the heat wave that day, especially in the outer, windowed areas of the airport.

A memory relative to Mom's Mac

The latest keyboard for Mom's Mac arrived today (we've been through at least four or five now over the nearly five year's we've had the computer), and so to celebrate, I decided to post this picture of Nathan before one of this keyboard's predecessors. (However, you'll note that the USB cable for the keyboard is not actually connected to the computer; I did want the computer to still function after the picture, you know.) This is one of the last pictures we took of Nathan. Among other things, it shows his perpetual head bump. His lack of depth perception combined with his determination to climb chairs made for a continual sore spot (literally). Interestingly enough, though, he didn't have a bruise at the time he left us; a bit of a miracle, really.

A glimpse of days gone by

While looking through the photo collection today, I found this fun shot from late summer/early fall 2006. Those of you who know big sister will agree that she looks quite a bit different now. Curtis, our current baby Muffin, looks quite a bit like Nathan did at equivalent ages. The nice thing is, I still have two little people about these sizes to snuggle, although both of them are boys this time around. And, big sister is here to help!

Nathan's garden

After hearing about Nathan, one of our neighbor's officially dedicated her garden spot to his memory. She keeps it excellently, updating it with the seasons. Above is a view of the garden as a whole. Below are closeups of a couple of the brighter flowers therein.
The picture above was taken in the evening; the one below shows the same plant a little under 48 hrs later.

Bathtime baby

Our babies generally go through a cyclical love/hate relationship with bath time. Occasionally, they all happen to like baths at the same time, and we got this photo of Nathan on such an occasion. Classic sunshine, if I do say so myself.

Happy Birthday, Nathan!

On this day (25 May) three years ago, Nathan was finally born, a full eleven days after his due date, and over 24 hrs after Mom had first arrived at the hospital to be induced. He was 21 in long, weighed 9 lbs, and had a full head of hair, just like our first child.

By the time his first birthday rolled around, Mom was just barely expecting baby #3 and didn't always feel up to social events such as birthday parties. At the last minute, though, Mom rallied and managed to get together a cake and candles in time to invite over some neighbors before it got too late. The photos on this posting are from his actual birth day and his one year birthday. His grandparents sent him a birthday card, and I've never seen any child love a greeting card as much as Nathan loved his special card. He enjoyed the red velvet birthday cake, too. (He'd had eye surgery just a couple of days before his birthday, so it was especially nice for him to have something pleasant after such an experience.)

We had our family home evening tonight at the cemetery where Nathan is buried, and Dad told about Nathan and what a special little boy he was. Our oldest sat still and listened, but baby #3, now a big boy, wandered around pilfering decorations from the other monuments (not hard to do, in light of the influx of decorations for Memorial Day). Baby #3 is now about the size Nathan was when he left us, the size Nathan will be when we see him again in the flesh. It will be wonderful to have Nathan back, but in the mean time I'm so grateful for the little boys we do have. We'll enjoy each in their own time.